Treknicalities

One of the reasons that Star Trek has been so popular over the last 45 years is Gene Roddenberry’s vision of a future in which humans put their differences aside and unite to explore the universe. Roddenberry’s future says, “Hey, we made it. Life is good. Let’s see what’s out there.” There are lots of valuable lessons to be learned from the Star Trek universe. None of those lessons are included in this list. These are things that the writers probably didn’t intend to teach.

1. No matter where you go in the universe, every species you encounter will speak perfect English. In TNG and DS9 they alluded to the fact that Starfleet officers had a “universal translator” implant that handled the translation, but in TOS this translator was the size of a good flashlight – way too big to be implanted in your ear.
2. Almost all aliens look like humans with variations only in either the shape of their ears or ridges on their brows or nose.
3. You can tell whether an alien is good or bad by how ugly or frightening it is. The more the creature makes your skin crawl, the more likely it is that the alien is going to try to destroy you and all your shipmates.
4. In spite of the fact that the universe expands forever in every direction, every starship, probe, or meteor you encounter will be traveling on the same plane as your ship. You will never see a ship traveling from the bottom of your viewscreen to the top or encounter a ship that appears to be traveling upside down from your perspective.
5. When the evil alien fires his energy weapon at your ship, it will be necessary to reverse the engines and back away from the weapon because, for some reason, the idea of going over or under the blast just won’t occur to you.
6. Even though sound waves cannot travel in the vacuum of space, when you’re “playing dead” trying to lure the enemy closer you will have to speak in hushed tones and whispers and the enemy will hear it when your first officer accidentally presses a button that starts his computer console beeping.
7. By the 23rd century computers will respond to voice commands with a simulated voice because the only “computer display” developed by that time will be a group of multi-colored, unlabeled lights. Voice command will be necessary because the only alternate input method will be a group of different colored buttons and toggle switches which aren’t labeled.
8. When you present a computer or android with a paradox such as “The Liar’s Riddle” the machine will continue to repeat the contradictory parts of the riddle until it begins smoking and eventually just quits working.
9. When your navigation console bursts into flames or showers you with sparks, no actual damage will be done. Once the fire is out, everything will function perfectly.
10. By the 23rd century the human body will evolve to eliminate the need to eliminate. Bathrooms will be a thing of the past. When you transport to a planet where the natives imprison you for days upon days, the fact that your cell contains no bathroom facilities won’t bother you in the least. Starships will use the space that would have been allotted for bathrooms for extra corridors that are always empty.
11. Phaser beams or other energy beams will travel exactly the distance you need them to and no farther. If you’re blasting Apollo’s temple from orbit there’s no problem, but if you’re standing on the bridge next to the command chair and fire a phaser at the Scalosion woman who has “accelerated” you, the beam will not reach as far as Lt. Uhura’s station when the alien dodges it.
12. If you’re a woman and the Captain or Chief Medical Officer falls in love with you, don’t get too excited. It will be a very short-term fling that will more than likely end with your death.
13. If a particular system or device has never malfunctioned in all of history and someone points out that it would be disastrous if it did, you can be guaranteed that within 24 hours the system or device in question will malfunction.
14. If Starfleet Command issues you a uniform with a red shirt, go buy a bunch of life insurance because your family is going to need it.
15. Your superior officer doesn’t know what’s going on, so feel free to disregard his direct orders. In the end he will either congratulate your quick thinking or punish you by taking back that promotion you regretted accepting and giving you back your old job that you miss so much.

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